Usain Bolt in the Cinque Terre

photo by Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images.

I remember four years ago watching the 100 meter final and thinking “No F-ing Way, no man can win the finals that easily.”  I remember then waiting around with intense anticipation for the 200 meters and for the relay, which had at that point, for me and everyone else, become the most important thing in the world to see.  And it was worth it.

And no matter how much I’ve enjoyed the exploits of the Italian fencing teams (men and especially women) as they tore up this year’s competition, the London Olympics meant only one thing.  Bolt, again.

There is nothing as exciting as him and as far as the Olympics goes, I don’t ever remember watching anything with so much anticipation.  It’s true that each of us has probably had more emotion enthusiasm for other events over time (the US Hockey victory in 1980 being an obvious example), but there’s nothing like Usain Bolt for build-up.  I mean, we’ve all been waiting to see this show again for four years.  And son of a bitch he did it again.  To quote Miles Davis, it was a motherfucker.  When he’s running, it is the only thing on the planet that is happening.

There’s no connection between Usain Bolt and the Cinque Terre.  Hell, there’s hardly a flat stretch of ground one hundred meters long throughout this entire territory.  But because he’s the most exciting and engaging thing that ever happened to sports, I feel like the Cinque Terre needs him.  So this is an open call to Usain and to his publicist.  We’ve got the most beautiful 800 m walkway along the Mediterranean coast the world has ever seen (La via dell’amore).  It’s flat and paved.  I promise to get 100 meters of it cleared out of fat sweaty tourists for the 10 seconds you need to run it.  We’ll make history.  The world’s fastest man does the world’s fastest tour.  All expenses paid.  We’ll charge tickets at whatever price you want.  Personal assistant for your every whim.  Come on, man, what are you going to do after London anyway?

Call me.

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